And all of them, it felt to me, had to be watching me pass through my stages of grief and shaking their heads at what a slow son-of-a-bitch I had become. I started feeling like was a camera on me and I was wired up to all of cyberspace.īored rig workers off the coast of Australia, teenage zit nerds hurtling through a thousand webcams an hour, English fetish freaks combing for thrills, old high school classmates I'll happily never see again - all of them were staring at me from the comfort of their own unseen zones out there in the wide open world. I started feeling like I was being watched as I moved through all my blues. (You ever done that? It's exhausting as hell. I've tried to make peace with a raging war inside of me. I haven't been able to move straight into a new relationship. I've stared at myself in the mirror way too long. It's all been different this time around for me, though. You try and figure out if any of it was right before slowly accepting that you'll never really know.
I guess I kept falling in love.īut when you've come out the ass-end of three romances, the last one being a nine-year marriage that produced three lovely kids, you tend to do one of two things at age 44: You plow forward and smile as you Tinder and OkCupid your midlife crisis away without ever even realizing it's there OR you look back and wonder why you've done what you've done.
From the time I was 25 until the time I was 42, I was never single. The first two, we broke up and I moved directly into a new relationship.
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